How to be a rock, when you don’t know how

It happened. My father-in-law died. It didn’t come as a shock, we were expecting it; he’s been poorly for quite some time. We knew it was imminent, but there’s knowing, and there’s the knowing.

We’ve now come back home after spending a sleepless night at mum’s. We had a take away for tea. I just didn’t have the energy to cook last night. There’s too much going on in my head, the primary one being how do I support my husband while he grieves?

Two years ago, when we lost our daughter, I was the one most affected by the loss. M was my rock, my crutch. He was the one that spurred me on, and held me when I cried. He was the ear that listened to me rant. He had the right words, he’s always been good with words.

This morning, I wracked my brain for the right words to ask him, to find out how he feels. How do I become the one that supports? I’ve never been the pastoral one. Over the years, I’ve learned to be indifferent so I can protect my heart though the last few years have pretty much made it impossible to do that.

How do I reassure him it’s ok to cry? Don’t be silly, he knows that already! How do I say I’m available to talk? How do I become the rock he leans on?

With more questions than answers in my brain, I did what I know. I made him fresh, hot meals. I sent email messages on his behalf. I took on some of the planning required for church. I made him drinks in between. I made fresh bread, and baked a cake. I sat down with him and watched telly.

Is that enough? Does he know I care?

With one hand stroking the cat’s head, and the other arm wrapped around me, he leaned over, kissed my head, and said “thanks babe, I love you”.

I knew then it’s more than enough.